What Is Grief? A Therapist's Perspective on Navigating Loss
In this post, Alexia Eller, LCSW-S, , shares her firsthand insight into supporting adults, adolescents, and families through the immediate aftermath of loss on scene on calls and beyond.
What is grief? Depending on who you ask, the answer changes. Some describe it as deep sorrow following a loved one's passing. Others see it as the powerful emotion that comes from being separated from something or someone - of great importance. Still others call it a gnawing pain that begins in the heart and takes over the entire body. The truth is, all of these definitions can be right, because grief looks different for everyone.
In her published work On Grief and Loss, Elizabeth Pomeroy notes that social workers encounter grief and loss in both their professional and personal lives; grief is truly multidimensional when we lose something or someone dear to us. Michael R. Kelly captures something essential when he describes grief as "the new significance of a world with the pervasive absence that is the world without the beloved." In other words, grief is the strange, painful newness of a world where someone we love is no longer present.
Grief can bring a wide range of responses; denial, distress, anxiety, anger, waves of sadness, disrupted sleep and appetite, and even depression. I'll be honest: stepping in to support someone right after a devastating loss is like navigating murky waters. But it is deeply rewarding to serve as a bridge for people while their brains are still struggling to make sense of what has just happened.
I once supported a young girl through the unexpected death of her older brother. She was trying so hard to be the rock for her mother while also navigating a confusing maze of first responders and systems. Part of my job was helping her remember that she is a child; that it's okay to breathe, feel her emotions, and simply be herself in the middle of losing her brother. Her mother needed permission to do the same.
Another time was seeing the aftermath of a double homicide suicide; the family was distraught by the sheer horror that abruptly came to their lives. They lost a daughter and a grandchild, at the hands of a boyfriend who was not letting them go and demanded things incomprehensible. So instead of allowing their freedom, he took them from their loved ones and took the cowards way outs; the wails and cries that echoed in the streets that day are something I carry still.
Whether a loss is expected or sudden, it is hard. Grief consumes you, and understandably, it can make you see the world through a glass-half-empty lens. My role is to help clients move through their sadness and hurt, process what happened, receive information and support, and identify the positives along the way. My goal is not to erase the grief as if it never existed. My goal is to help you work through the pain and find your footing again.
With the support of a therapist, you can learn to process your grief and see your life through a different lens while still honoring your loved one's memory. Whether you're a child or an adult, loss can leave your head swirling — with memories, words you wish you hadn't said (or had), and endless "what ifs." That's okay. Allow yourself to feel, and give yourself grace. Someone passing on doesn't mean they're no longer part of your life. Love doesn't end with death.
If you're interested in learning more about how to walk alongside the grief— whether through online therapy throughout Texas, in-person therapy at our Waxahachie, TX office; reach out to Lexi at Ember & Lighthouse Wellness to discuss options that might be best for you.
— Lexi Eller, LCSW-S
Ember & Lighthouse Wellness | Waxahachie, TX
Trauma Therapy • First Responders • Veterans • EMDR • ART • Texas
